Self Checks and Ego Trippin'

In the past two months there has been a strong message following me around and no matter what I do I cannot escape the truth if it. In recent conflicts, conversations and healing sessions the issue of self-checking has been prominently displayed. By self-check I don't mean a cursory glance in the mirror to make sure the face and clothes are right, but a deeply engaged and involved conversation with self to see what's going on and what needs work.

I have said it many times before and will probably say it again: "I will not apologize for who I am." I have also said in the same context that I do recognize when I need to make changes. Well, changes are coming and these will initially feel drastic, but it is quite clear that they (the changes) are necessary. In doing my own self-check I realize that I have become lazy and take a great deal for granted, one of which is that I am on the same page with the people in my life and that the long-term goals that I have, mirror those around me. Simply put, I thought I was on a shared journey.

In looking forward, I see that much of what I have tried to accomplish in group work, was not in vain. It is good to work collectively because it lessens the burdens, but as with any relationship, sometimes people need to go their own way. In moments of reflection, I realized that it's possible to be a lone traveler in a shared journey. The key is taking responsibility and that doesn't happen without honest self evaluation.

Self-checks have also led to the discovery that I have been ego trippin', but in reverse. Ego as I see it isn't a bad thing, it just needs to know when to speak up and when to sit down. I think I reduced mine a little too much for the sake of others and in the end there was still conflict. The ego is a powerful and necessary thing, but if left unchecked it can either swell to unmanageable proportions or be reduced to a whisper. In either case, the results are not good. I spent all of 2007 being aware of ego and self -checking on the spot, it changed how I dealt with everything in my life. I found that it was really hard to take unwarranted criticism seriously or be harmed by someone else's negligence. On the other hand, I was able to better hear valid critiques and recognize my faults in a very clear and objective manner. Another great thing about self-checks is that you learn to accept things about yourself that you may have felt bad about in the past or underestimated.

My goal is balance and that takes work. My goal is also to be successful in various ways and that also takes work. I cannot expect as my mother would say, "everyone to be like me", but I can be the best me possible. In checking in, I am better able to navigate the conflict that ultimately is part of a living a human existence and discern when needed changes are internal or external. It doesn't mean that I always have a handle on things, but by checking in on consistent basis, I have seen my growth and I am quite proud of what I have accomplished so far. My horoscope today said it best, "Those who matter will see the true you." I couldn't agree more with that statement.

IA