Is it Me?

Sitting here, looking online at different cats & kittens up for adoption, still feeling very guilty about the dog I gave back to the adoption center, and wondering why, as of late, I like being by myself.

I have been taking all of these free personality test and basically I have skewed from the extroverted side into the world of introverts. One test I turned out to be INTP (Introvert, Intuition, Thinking Perceiving) and on the other test..I skewed towards the "Mastermind" category...both which have the least amount of people in the population (3-5%) who identify with such. Certainly explains the natural tension that exists in my life of being an internal creature.

Or, maybe because I understand myself best. If I don't feel like smiling and carrying on, I don't have to explain myself to anyone, I can just be. I don't have to work to make other people comfortable with who I am. People are just not comfortable when you are not laughing, smiling and giggling all of the time. Interesting conundrum to have to balance. What happens when you are just a reserved person who does not do "all of that" all of the time? Sometimes you are tagged as unapproachable, and "must not be having fun". This is not necessarily the case. Many times, I struggle to not feel like I am personally under attack, because I know that folks are just trying to do what they think is helpful...but yet in still, it is still somewhat hurtful to be misunderstood.

Am I reserved? For the most part yes. Do I shield myself? Yes, because I have to. I am extremely sensitive to other people's energy and I amplify other peoples feelings-that is just a part of my human design, that and the ability to read most people very accurately within the first 10 minutes of meeting them. These are not gifts that I asked for and on a lot of days, I wish I could give them back, because all they seem to do is complicate things. Having high level skills in a world that celebrates "basic simplicity" sucks monkey nuts. Before I knew how sensitive I was other people's energy or how powerful my mind was, I use to be a lot more "open" in new situations. The result was sensory overload...it was too much. I was taking on others people issues and emotions, and it just wasn't a good look. (Didn't feel to hot either). As I am still learning how to work with my empathic abilities, I have no choice but to protect myself until I am able to better manipulate this power.

On the same token this reserved girls' personality has done a lot of things like keep people out of jail, saved friends from dying for alcohol poisoning, counseled people out of bad relationships and bad situations, saved people from themselves, helped people with their finances, helped people with their businesses, helped folks graduate from college, motivated folks when other people told them they sucked and would never amount to anything, provided practical and creative solutions for impossible problems, given money, given food, given shelter, given the clothes from my closet and overall tried to be the best kind of friend possible. But yet in still, most people can only focus on the fact that "I look too serious". Not saying that you can't still do all of the above with a carefree attitude...but it does take a special kind of person to be able to deal (and deal well) with other people's issues, and still give practical, non judgmental advice.

Everybody has their role and plays their part. Do I wish I could throw off the cloak and be care free? Hell yes, maybe I would go out on more dates LOL....but again, that is not necessarily my path. I am working on trying to balance things out more...and let my "softer side" show,be more "approachable" even when folks are on that bullshyt, because that's what makes people most comfortable. I get it. I just wish there was more appreciation for us folks who were "chosen" to be the "guardians", "protectors" and the "watchers"--Those whose job it is to remain serious and efficient...because without us, very little would get done.

WomanSpeak and Getting Older

On Friday, December 12th I had the honor of presenting at "Woman Speak". This amazing event is the brain child of Christine Celise and features women every other month who share their life stories. I shared the space with a spectacular sister and midwife named, Marialuz Castro Johnson. "Luz" spoke about the transformative power of birth as a metaphor of life. I think my presentation was a great complement to her discussion and in sharing I learned a great deal.

My story is fraught with loss and pain, but there is also great joy, particularly in the friendships and that have resulted. In my presentation I shared how the deaths of my mother and then my sister, marked my transformation and spiritual growth. There is only change with sacrifice and the changes that I have experienced have only added to the expansion of my life. As I said at the event, my goal is not the length of my life, but the width. The talk I had planned was not the the talk that was given, I felt myself getting downright emotional. I think I zoned out at one point as I tried to "keep it together" and was trying to figure out how to ground myself in the midst of talking about Sofi's pasing. At some point I looked up the familiar faces of the AZA were right there holding me down and sending supportive energy. By the time I was done, sisters were smiling and crying and it was just a beautiful night of honest sharing.

The biggest lesson for me was the fact that sharing is healing. I think that is obvious and I don't think it's a great epiphany, but the stories that were told were needed by some of the women in the audience. I was really moved by how raw the emotion was for some and the confirmation that many felt the night had provided. It was the first time I talked about Sofi and my mom in public from a personal space, and I am really glad I did it.

Eight days later, I celebrated my 36th birthday and I thought about how difficult the last few months had been. The talk served not only as an opportunity to share, but also as the end of a cycle that had been nothing short of challenging. It was no surprise that the talk was on the night of one of the fullest moons we have had this year. It is also no surprise, at least to me, that since the talk, things are righting themselves in profound ways. I was surrounded by a lot of love and light during my birthday and the wishes and hugs are just confirmation of how wide my life has been so far. As I prepare to greet 2009, I am making the best of the last remaining days of this year and creating a springboard from which to jump head first into 2009. I am sure I will blog some more before 2009, but for those reading this, take heart in who you truly are and know that in all change is a lesson that probably needs to be learned.

Risikat

Slipped?

"I have acted out my life in stages..." and at each stage gathered another trait that makes my character more robust, tangible yet tough and strong. I am more prone to express my distaste for wrong doings to myself than I was ever before. It is a form of demanding respect. Those teachers, who started everyone out with an "A" and your work and deeds in class would determine whether you kept that grade or not, were my favorite... that is how I view life. You have my respect as a human but your actions and your words will determine whether or not you keep it. I live up to the sign of Virgo, I am a generous, caring and loyal person, sometimes to a fault but there are certainly ways to lose my favor.

While doing my hair for this evening I had time to reflect about life. Funny how the most mundane things lead way to revelations. I have come along way from the young girl born in Camden, NJ. It has been a transformation and growth that I could not possibly have traded for the world. But sitting in the mirror today I had to stop and ask the question:

Have I slipped back into old habits?

You know sometimes these things just pop out of the blue. Sometimes events lead you to these ponderings. I would say today was a mixture of both. I think the question of old habits came up because recently I have been feeling like I have been taken advantage of and that I was allowing it to happen. One AZA member said to me some time ago that she learns collectively from the mistakes of all of us. I didn't get it. How could my pain or f - up help you learn a lesson if you didn't do it yourself? I know I am one to recognize mistakes whether it be my own or those of others. I recognize others mistakes quicker, unfortunately, than I recognize my own. I can be a little slow on that one. Plus like my grandmother I can be really nosy.

So I wonder if my old habits are dying easier than they once would have. I have a three strike and you are out rule. I have had it since about 1997 though I don't normally tell people that. I figure if it works for sports and the state of California(not really) then it is alright for me. I got tired of getting hurt by people I "let in" but figured the "nice" thing to do was to give them a chance to do better. But almost always they used up the three strikes and the hurt that it took to either cut them off or pick up the pieces of me propelled me to another level of grown-upitness (it is a word now). I still have a ways to go but in this life you live and you learn but it is important that you learn. Recognizing and questioning whether I have "slipped back into old habits" is a sign that I have learned something that is for sure. As for whether I have done so I will need more time to examine that.

AZA - Sophie's Parlor - Playlist

For all those checking out our Afro Zen Amazon Divas on WPFW (Andrea and Kimberly) you can always check out their playlists at the Sophie's Blogspot here! Tune into WPFW 89.3 FM on Thursdays to hear the Divas of Sophie's Parlor from 1pm - 3pm Midday Jazz and more!

Our own Andrea Thompson

Check out WPFW and tune into Sophie's Parlor on Thursday from 1-3pm. In honor of the coming of the Winter season, Sophie’s Parlor Diva of the Day, Andrea Thompson, will be producing “The Light of Winter”. This program airing on Thursday, December 18th will explore transformation and the coming Winter Solstice through music programming and an interview with Singer/Songwriter Navasha Daya, Lead Vocalist of Fertile Ground.

Check out Navasha at the UNITED LEGENDS SPECIAL LIVE SET in TOKYO at the CROSSOVER/JAZZ FESTIVAL

Focus

Focus - a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity

So many times I have heard people say "You can do whatever you set your mind to?" I always heard the words but didn't think too much into it.

Now that I am older and really taking the time to reflect on my life I see that when I have zoomed in on projects or goals things have always gone above and beyond my expectations. It is when I felt passion for something that I really made it happen. I have yet to do it in every aspect of my life but I am learning that if I can do it in my professional life then I can also do it in my personal life.

So as I take one day, one step or even one moment at a time I work to focus on everything so only success is the outcome.

It is all up to me. It is nothing stopping me from being #1 but me.

As I focus I only ask that you also take a look at your life and establish what you need to focus on.

The change happens right now

I'm focused man!

Rant: Staying the Course...

It's hard moving out on your own and sometimes the hardest part is in taking the first step. As I bring the year to a close, I am finding the light at the end of the tunnel is shining brighter than ever before. Staying true to who you are is an element of humanhood that is hardest to maintain. It's easy to get caught up in who you "should be", but as a truth seeker, I find that pretending to be who you aren't will always catch up with who you are. As an AZA, I don't apologize for who I am, but I don't ignore the changes that need to be made.

As we bring 2008 to a close, let's do more than be thankful, let's do better. I am not waiting until 2009 to re-energize and motivate. It starts in this moment, with keeping my word, returning a phone call, finishing a project and taking responsibility for every moment that I am in. To all of the AZAs in the world take heart in yourself and your sisters and know that who you are is not anything more or less than the perspective from which you act. Sometimes you are the problem, if you can see it enough to change it, you can live it enough to towards better everythings.

Rant Done