Is it Me?

Sitting here, looking online at different cats & kittens up for adoption, still feeling very guilty about the dog I gave back to the adoption center, and wondering why, as of late, I like being by myself.

I have been taking all of these free personality test and basically I have skewed from the extroverted side into the world of introverts. One test I turned out to be INTP (Introvert, Intuition, Thinking Perceiving) and on the other test..I skewed towards the "Mastermind" category...both which have the least amount of people in the population (3-5%) who identify with such. Certainly explains the natural tension that exists in my life of being an internal creature.

Or, maybe because I understand myself best. If I don't feel like smiling and carrying on, I don't have to explain myself to anyone, I can just be. I don't have to work to make other people comfortable with who I am. People are just not comfortable when you are not laughing, smiling and giggling all of the time. Interesting conundrum to have to balance. What happens when you are just a reserved person who does not do "all of that" all of the time? Sometimes you are tagged as unapproachable, and "must not be having fun". This is not necessarily the case. Many times, I struggle to not feel like I am personally under attack, because I know that folks are just trying to do what they think is helpful...but yet in still, it is still somewhat hurtful to be misunderstood.

Am I reserved? For the most part yes. Do I shield myself? Yes, because I have to. I am extremely sensitive to other people's energy and I amplify other peoples feelings-that is just a part of my human design, that and the ability to read most people very accurately within the first 10 minutes of meeting them. These are not gifts that I asked for and on a lot of days, I wish I could give them back, because all they seem to do is complicate things. Having high level skills in a world that celebrates "basic simplicity" sucks monkey nuts. Before I knew how sensitive I was other people's energy or how powerful my mind was, I use to be a lot more "open" in new situations. The result was sensory overload...it was too much. I was taking on others people issues and emotions, and it just wasn't a good look. (Didn't feel to hot either). As I am still learning how to work with my empathic abilities, I have no choice but to protect myself until I am able to better manipulate this power.

On the same token this reserved girls' personality has done a lot of things like keep people out of jail, saved friends from dying for alcohol poisoning, counseled people out of bad relationships and bad situations, saved people from themselves, helped people with their finances, helped people with their businesses, helped folks graduate from college, motivated folks when other people told them they sucked and would never amount to anything, provided practical and creative solutions for impossible problems, given money, given food, given shelter, given the clothes from my closet and overall tried to be the best kind of friend possible. But yet in still, most people can only focus on the fact that "I look too serious". Not saying that you can't still do all of the above with a carefree attitude...but it does take a special kind of person to be able to deal (and deal well) with other people's issues, and still give practical, non judgmental advice.

Everybody has their role and plays their part. Do I wish I could throw off the cloak and be care free? Hell yes, maybe I would go out on more dates LOL....but again, that is not necessarily my path. I am working on trying to balance things out more...and let my "softer side" show,be more "approachable" even when folks are on that bullshyt, because that's what makes people most comfortable. I get it. I just wish there was more appreciation for us folks who were "chosen" to be the "guardians", "protectors" and the "watchers"--Those whose job it is to remain serious and efficient...because without us, very little would get done.