Is it Me?

Sitting here, looking online at different cats & kittens up for adoption, still feeling very guilty about the dog I gave back to the adoption center, and wondering why, as of late, I like being by myself.

I have been taking all of these free personality test and basically I have skewed from the extroverted side into the world of introverts. One test I turned out to be INTP (Introvert, Intuition, Thinking Perceiving) and on the other test..I skewed towards the "Mastermind" category...both which have the least amount of people in the population (3-5%) who identify with such. Certainly explains the natural tension that exists in my life of being an internal creature.

Or, maybe because I understand myself best. If I don't feel like smiling and carrying on, I don't have to explain myself to anyone, I can just be. I don't have to work to make other people comfortable with who I am. People are just not comfortable when you are not laughing, smiling and giggling all of the time. Interesting conundrum to have to balance. What happens when you are just a reserved person who does not do "all of that" all of the time? Sometimes you are tagged as unapproachable, and "must not be having fun". This is not necessarily the case. Many times, I struggle to not feel like I am personally under attack, because I know that folks are just trying to do what they think is helpful...but yet in still, it is still somewhat hurtful to be misunderstood.

Am I reserved? For the most part yes. Do I shield myself? Yes, because I have to. I am extremely sensitive to other people's energy and I amplify other peoples feelings-that is just a part of my human design, that and the ability to read most people very accurately within the first 10 minutes of meeting them. These are not gifts that I asked for and on a lot of days, I wish I could give them back, because all they seem to do is complicate things. Having high level skills in a world that celebrates "basic simplicity" sucks monkey nuts. Before I knew how sensitive I was other people's energy or how powerful my mind was, I use to be a lot more "open" in new situations. The result was sensory overload...it was too much. I was taking on others people issues and emotions, and it just wasn't a good look. (Didn't feel to hot either). As I am still learning how to work with my empathic abilities, I have no choice but to protect myself until I am able to better manipulate this power.

On the same token this reserved girls' personality has done a lot of things like keep people out of jail, saved friends from dying for alcohol poisoning, counseled people out of bad relationships and bad situations, saved people from themselves, helped people with their finances, helped people with their businesses, helped folks graduate from college, motivated folks when other people told them they sucked and would never amount to anything, provided practical and creative solutions for impossible problems, given money, given food, given shelter, given the clothes from my closet and overall tried to be the best kind of friend possible. But yet in still, most people can only focus on the fact that "I look too serious". Not saying that you can't still do all of the above with a carefree attitude...but it does take a special kind of person to be able to deal (and deal well) with other people's issues, and still give practical, non judgmental advice.

Everybody has their role and plays their part. Do I wish I could throw off the cloak and be care free? Hell yes, maybe I would go out on more dates LOL....but again, that is not necessarily my path. I am working on trying to balance things out more...and let my "softer side" show,be more "approachable" even when folks are on that bullshyt, because that's what makes people most comfortable. I get it. I just wish there was more appreciation for us folks who were "chosen" to be the "guardians", "protectors" and the "watchers"--Those whose job it is to remain serious and efficient...because without us, very little would get done.

WomanSpeak and Getting Older

On Friday, December 12th I had the honor of presenting at "Woman Speak". This amazing event is the brain child of Christine Celise and features women every other month who share their life stories. I shared the space with a spectacular sister and midwife named, Marialuz Castro Johnson. "Luz" spoke about the transformative power of birth as a metaphor of life. I think my presentation was a great complement to her discussion and in sharing I learned a great deal.

My story is fraught with loss and pain, but there is also great joy, particularly in the friendships and that have resulted. In my presentation I shared how the deaths of my mother and then my sister, marked my transformation and spiritual growth. There is only change with sacrifice and the changes that I have experienced have only added to the expansion of my life. As I said at the event, my goal is not the length of my life, but the width. The talk I had planned was not the the talk that was given, I felt myself getting downright emotional. I think I zoned out at one point as I tried to "keep it together" and was trying to figure out how to ground myself in the midst of talking about Sofi's pasing. At some point I looked up the familiar faces of the AZA were right there holding me down and sending supportive energy. By the time I was done, sisters were smiling and crying and it was just a beautiful night of honest sharing.

The biggest lesson for me was the fact that sharing is healing. I think that is obvious and I don't think it's a great epiphany, but the stories that were told were needed by some of the women in the audience. I was really moved by how raw the emotion was for some and the confirmation that many felt the night had provided. It was the first time I talked about Sofi and my mom in public from a personal space, and I am really glad I did it.

Eight days later, I celebrated my 36th birthday and I thought about how difficult the last few months had been. The talk served not only as an opportunity to share, but also as the end of a cycle that had been nothing short of challenging. It was no surprise that the talk was on the night of one of the fullest moons we have had this year. It is also no surprise, at least to me, that since the talk, things are righting themselves in profound ways. I was surrounded by a lot of love and light during my birthday and the wishes and hugs are just confirmation of how wide my life has been so far. As I prepare to greet 2009, I am making the best of the last remaining days of this year and creating a springboard from which to jump head first into 2009. I am sure I will blog some more before 2009, but for those reading this, take heart in who you truly are and know that in all change is a lesson that probably needs to be learned.

Risikat

Slipped?

"I have acted out my life in stages..." and at each stage gathered another trait that makes my character more robust, tangible yet tough and strong. I am more prone to express my distaste for wrong doings to myself than I was ever before. It is a form of demanding respect. Those teachers, who started everyone out with an "A" and your work and deeds in class would determine whether you kept that grade or not, were my favorite... that is how I view life. You have my respect as a human but your actions and your words will determine whether or not you keep it. I live up to the sign of Virgo, I am a generous, caring and loyal person, sometimes to a fault but there are certainly ways to lose my favor.

While doing my hair for this evening I had time to reflect about life. Funny how the most mundane things lead way to revelations. I have come along way from the young girl born in Camden, NJ. It has been a transformation and growth that I could not possibly have traded for the world. But sitting in the mirror today I had to stop and ask the question:

Have I slipped back into old habits?

You know sometimes these things just pop out of the blue. Sometimes events lead you to these ponderings. I would say today was a mixture of both. I think the question of old habits came up because recently I have been feeling like I have been taken advantage of and that I was allowing it to happen. One AZA member said to me some time ago that she learns collectively from the mistakes of all of us. I didn't get it. How could my pain or f - up help you learn a lesson if you didn't do it yourself? I know I am one to recognize mistakes whether it be my own or those of others. I recognize others mistakes quicker, unfortunately, than I recognize my own. I can be a little slow on that one. Plus like my grandmother I can be really nosy.

So I wonder if my old habits are dying easier than they once would have. I have a three strike and you are out rule. I have had it since about 1997 though I don't normally tell people that. I figure if it works for sports and the state of California(not really) then it is alright for me. I got tired of getting hurt by people I "let in" but figured the "nice" thing to do was to give them a chance to do better. But almost always they used up the three strikes and the hurt that it took to either cut them off or pick up the pieces of me propelled me to another level of grown-upitness (it is a word now). I still have a ways to go but in this life you live and you learn but it is important that you learn. Recognizing and questioning whether I have "slipped back into old habits" is a sign that I have learned something that is for sure. As for whether I have done so I will need more time to examine that.

AZA - Sophie's Parlor - Playlist

For all those checking out our Afro Zen Amazon Divas on WPFW (Andrea and Kimberly) you can always check out their playlists at the Sophie's Blogspot here! Tune into WPFW 89.3 FM on Thursdays to hear the Divas of Sophie's Parlor from 1pm - 3pm Midday Jazz and more!

Our own Andrea Thompson

Check out WPFW and tune into Sophie's Parlor on Thursday from 1-3pm. In honor of the coming of the Winter season, Sophie’s Parlor Diva of the Day, Andrea Thompson, will be producing “The Light of Winter”. This program airing on Thursday, December 18th will explore transformation and the coming Winter Solstice through music programming and an interview with Singer/Songwriter Navasha Daya, Lead Vocalist of Fertile Ground.

Check out Navasha at the UNITED LEGENDS SPECIAL LIVE SET in TOKYO at the CROSSOVER/JAZZ FESTIVAL

Focus

Focus - a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity

So many times I have heard people say "You can do whatever you set your mind to?" I always heard the words but didn't think too much into it.

Now that I am older and really taking the time to reflect on my life I see that when I have zoomed in on projects or goals things have always gone above and beyond my expectations. It is when I felt passion for something that I really made it happen. I have yet to do it in every aspect of my life but I am learning that if I can do it in my professional life then I can also do it in my personal life.

So as I take one day, one step or even one moment at a time I work to focus on everything so only success is the outcome.

It is all up to me. It is nothing stopping me from being #1 but me.

As I focus I only ask that you also take a look at your life and establish what you need to focus on.

The change happens right now

I'm focused man!

Rant: Staying the Course...

It's hard moving out on your own and sometimes the hardest part is in taking the first step. As I bring the year to a close, I am finding the light at the end of the tunnel is shining brighter than ever before. Staying true to who you are is an element of humanhood that is hardest to maintain. It's easy to get caught up in who you "should be", but as a truth seeker, I find that pretending to be who you aren't will always catch up with who you are. As an AZA, I don't apologize for who I am, but I don't ignore the changes that need to be made.

As we bring 2008 to a close, let's do more than be thankful, let's do better. I am not waiting until 2009 to re-energize and motivate. It starts in this moment, with keeping my word, returning a phone call, finishing a project and taking responsibility for every moment that I am in. To all of the AZAs in the world take heart in yourself and your sisters and know that who you are is not anything more or less than the perspective from which you act. Sometimes you are the problem, if you can see it enough to change it, you can live it enough to towards better everythings.

Rant Done

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As one who has watched The Secret on several occasions I try to ascribe to being grateful everyday. I can't say that I am always perfect in doing so. In fact I could quite possibly say that many think that I can be overbearing with idea of it. I can't help the feelings of others in that regard and I don't do it to be a pain. I merely think about the blessings we all have and how sometimes we get caught up in our daily grind to realize them. Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday. Even as a little kid the idea of Turkey Day has been divine. There are so many people telling me "This is just one day you should be thankful everyday." Yes this is true and I am. One of my co-workers expressed that indigenous Americans died on Thanksgiving Day. It was a morbid idea especially for a lover of the holiday.

But I have always been grateful for the fact that my family were all in the house at the same time. Not running in grabbing a bite and running out. We all sat down around a table with food prepared by my pop-pop with assistance and specialties from select folks like my uncle's eggplant parmigiana. I can smell the creamed onions that my grandfather would make. It wasn't a favorite of mine though it was our tradition. I was always partial to the TURNIPS and mashed potatoes! Folks in DC don't know what I am talking about when I start talking about the side dishes that my grandfather would make for dinner. But this time of year lately I get a little melancholy. After my grandfather past, Thanksgiving dinner was not the same of course. He always made it no matter how much folks were bickering with one another or who was angry with who. He was our glue. They don't make that kind of glue that fits with our family anymore. Traditions change and it can definitely be hard to take. Take for instance... a seafood Thanksgiving... "Mom where is the turkey."

But seriously my traditions are slowly changing as I journey through life. It doesn't disappoint me in the least. I am grateful everyday and tomorrow I will be grateful as well. I think about those people who don't have any family to have a meal with, those who have lost someone dear and for them, this holiday will be a tough one to get through.

Earlier this evening I thought about those new to America who have adopted its traditions. What is their celebration like? In the future beginning my own family what will my traditions look like. Tonight, I did a pre- holiday dinner. On an evening that I thought "my cabinets are bare" I was able to create a meal of yams, mashed potatoes, string beans, stuffing, cranberry sauce and rice with a mushroom gravy. The only thing that was missing was the turkey, but I have gratitude for the Blessings that have been supplied.

Evelyn says....

Hi!

hmmm...where to start and what to say. Well my (almost) full name is Evelyn Antoinette. For those who know me, do I look like an Evelyn Antoinette? Funny enough, when I was younger I always wanted a name like Jennifer, Michelle or Crystal because there were a lot of them, and I just wanted to fit in. I was the only "Evelyn" in school so I stuck out by virtue of my name (but that's not the only reason why I was unique). It's interesting that when we are younger all we want to do is fit in and then at some point, we do everything we can to stick out and differentiate ourselves. Yep, I went through that phase too, but that got old...quick.

Now, I am at a pretty good equilibrium. I have a pretty good understanding of who I am, and that understanding changes almost every day. The biggest success in my life at this point is finally becoming comfortable with who I am...the good, and the not so good (because yes, everyone has a shadow side).

In terms of personality- I am a sharp-minded and creative entrepreneur. I teach, train, develop, coach, consult, advise and write. I vacillate between being funny and being serious. I have serious Type A tendencies, and I am task master. Another AZA recently referred to me as an M&M (think about the tagline). Thats a pretty accurate description. I'm just happy that she didn't refer to me as a Peanut M&M.

I am also a pretty simple person. Integrity is everything and "word is bond". I am a rather deep person, but I don't think that I am too complicated. I say what I say, I mean what I mean and I am very honest. I don't like to waste time and I value people who are honest as well.

Let's see- what else, I am accepting my role as a healer. For a while I was confused as to how I was supposed to go about that task...and I got frustrated. But I have figured out, that I heal through writing and teaching. If I must toot my own horn- I am a natural when it comes to training and teaching. I am glad that I was brave enough to leave the comfort of a FT job to pursue my natural-born talents.

I mentioned this before but I am a highly creative individual. At some point I lost the drive to pursue my creativity, but I am happy to report that it is back in full effect. This time, I am expressing my creativity through makeup artistry and jewelry design.

I think I will leave it at this for now...besides, if I give away everything, how else am I going to entice you to come back and visit?

Kimberly Christina Gaines - My Guberment Name

Sondai All!
I am, as the title bar states, Kimberly Christina Gaines. Goddess, Empress, Sister, and Visualist. I handle up on the imagery for the Afro Zen Amazon. I let my sistren know what looks good and... what don't. For me it is about color, balance and texture. Within those elements of art you can surely make things fabulous.

From childhood I have always liked "pretty pictures", making them for myself and others. Hell, in high school when everyone did the practical thing and took typing, I was in art class creating line drawings with the end of a compass on black shiny paper. Anything creative I enjoyed, reading, writing and drawing were my favorites. I taught myself how to paint with my mother's left over paint supplies from the basement. I would sit for hours sketching images from Essence, Vibe... any magazine(thus I have an obsession with magazines) that I could get my hands on. My grandmother and mother both dabbled in drawing. A librarian and teacher respectively, they were both my inspiration for art in general but my uncle was responsible for my love of photography. Sometimes I feel like a broken record but I always have to say it. In a world of color... his camera saw me in black & white and that intrigued me. The image that he took of me definitely inspired the next level of art for me which was photography.

Borrowing my grandmother's 35mm that was collecting dust, I set off to document the underrepresented of Camden Catholic High School in Cherry Hill NJ. We were in the minority of the catholic school, black and latino alike so I set out to reverse that. I created my own documentation of our high school experience. It never actually made the yearbook but it was the beginning of something I loved doing.

Fastforward 2008, I am an Afro Zen Amazon... I have been called boho, also and elitist (not sure how a Camden New Jersey girl can be such a thang) I actually adopted bourgie-boho as a descriptor as of late... (mind you because of the artist in me that may change tomorrow... or 5 minutes from... NOW) Ultimately, I am a creator! From words to images, to playlists, to altars I create and share in this collective and beyond my talents, opinions, and spirit. Welcome to the minds of the collective, remember AZA is I as well as it is...you!

Drea

wow!!! time and space escapes me...this force of us is long overdue and oh so necessary...women...for women...supporting women...being women....

as a girl growing up i often wondered what my peoplescape would look like and now i needn't question any longer. afro zen amazon....being who we are....doing what we do....taking it world wide.

i came to this group because the waters of life brought me. now, i give to and receive from these powerful women the gift of hope, peace, laughter, courage, beauty, creativity and love.

journey with us...as we explore it all

Risi...Kat...Iyabo...IA is/are in the Building!

Greetings Good People!

My name is Risikat "Kat" Okedeyi and I am a proud member of this group that I have affectionately called the Afro Zen Amazon (in my head) for some years. The name came as I watched my sisters flourish around me. We work as "modern-day market women" and use our skills and gifts as part of our destined path of learning. I go by several names and adjectives, but the ones that remain consistent are: Healer, Teacher, Mother and Visionary. Within the "Healer" category, I work with people in need of spiritual guidance and under the moniker of Iya Agba Centering Services. Rituals that engage on the spirit plane, along with the medicinal use of herbs are where my powers lie. As IA, I am able to evoke the folk woman that exists within me, to serve those in need.

I am also known as LiL SoSo Productions, which is an artist management and event planning firm, that allows me to use my holistic approach to life, in the arts. I believe that balance is the single most important thing worth striving for and am constantly on the lookout for ways to engage balance on a daily basis. Most times, I fail, but sometimes I achieve balance and I see a glimpse of what life could be like if things were perfect. As a teacher, I share my experiences in hopes of learning how to do better and as a visionary, I follow spirit which guides my business steps in so many ways.

Finally, I subscribe to a Goddess theology that views women as divine beings who posses the power to initiate and maintain the change they want to see in life. Within the AZA collective, this understanding serves as our foundation. We are not victims and do not allow ourselves to be cast in that light. When you take responsibility for your destiny in partnership with spirit, things have a way of revealing themselves.

All of this being said, I welcome you to our journey and hope that as this blog grows you will find bits and pieces of insight, wisdom, and lessons that you can use and share. In the meantime know that we as the AZA are just messengers on a path of self-discovery and ultimately, so are you.

Take Care

Introduction from Carla

Hi I am Carla L Thorpe writer, motivator, friend, business owner and most importantly an inspiration. I have finally found my passion in life which is to help others with my gifts.
For instance
Bi-monthly Persevere Newsletter that is teaching and inspiring the masses Make It Happen Consulting that is a business consulting firm turning dreams into reality Wedding Coordination service helping brides get and stay sane to the big day

I only hope that what I do assist people to be better than what they use to be. We all deserve only the best.

This collective has shown me my talents, made me want to do better and also helped me understand sisterhood. Things can be good or bad but no matter what we are still connected.

Please share in our experiences, comment and show love to the AZA.